| We're almost done with the pregnancy.
Last summer when I first thought I was pregnant, I saw it in so many ways... sleepless nights, but a baby to cuddle! lost intimacy, but a child to love... it's so strange. I know that my life is changing in the biggest way possible, and the change could come any day.
Phil's been so back and forth between excited and nervous and now he's all excitement. He's nesting, he's working hard on the baby room, he's looking to the future, he's planning our hospital stay and what he wants to do with the baby and all these ways to stimulate it and help it grow and make it happy... he's so in love with this child already.
He's scared that he won't be a good enough dad. He's scared that he'll be like his dad and not spend enough time with our little ones.
However, in the past week or so, all he's been feeling/expressing is excitement.
I don't honestly know where I stand... I've been getting kinda depressed the last little while, and not for any good reason. Same old stories I suppose. I'm excited for the baby and all this makes me happy, but I know that it's a huge change, and I guess I'm just a little scared.
I've been looking forward to this all my life, and now it's here, and it doesn't feel real. Me, a mom? I want so much to be a good mom, but I'm so self absorbed... and I'm depressed already, and I don't even have the baby. What's post-partum going to do to me?
I've been holding my head above water, and it's really helped that mom all of a sudden got interested in me again... I think Oma said something to her. I mentioned to Oma that I was glad mom was coming out cuz I feel like she doesn't really know anything about my life, she's only seen my house once and not at all since we moved in, and she's never been to my church, and these are all things that I think she'd enjoy... I think Oma told mom cuz like two days later mom called me and actually asked a bunch of questions about how things are going with me.
It was nice.
It's not that mom doesn't care, I know, but usually when we talk we spend 90% of the conversation talking about her problems and worries and all that. It's been that way since before daddy passed. I love having her lean on me, but lately I've been watching Lee with her family and it makes me jealous, cuz Ma does so much and is so involved, and my mom could hardly be bothered to ask about my day before getting my advice on this or that.
I'm sure it hasn't been that bad, but I'm all preggo and emotional and it felt like that for a while.
I've just felt so alone. Everyone's so busy with their lives, and I'm so busy with mine... Phil's there, obviously, but I didn't marry him cuz he's some capable, take-charge guy, I married him cuz he's earnest and lovable and cuz I can't imagine being without him. Sometimes I wished my mom would come around and take charge again, just for a little while. It would make me feel like I have a safety net, there's something to fall back on.
I'm feeling better now, I really am. I just had all that inside me for so long, and I can't find my current journal and I so hate starting a new one without finishing the old one...
It's so close now... and really, I just feel confused.
and lots of love for the baby. I love it and I don't even know if it's a boy or girl yet!
lol.
Phil's knocking, I'm gonna go spend time with him. But I'll be back. | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment   |
| | Subject: | again | | Time: | 12:03 am |
|
| I feel like air again.
I get this feeling sometimes, it's my hard-to-sleep feeling. I used to think that it was my brain working too much, refusing to shut off..... and yes, that's a problem, but I'm beginning to realise it's actually that I feel like air. My body feels heavy, like stone, and I feel like air, and it's like we don't mix. I know my body wants to sleep, but I don't care. My head weighs on my neck like a lead block, and my arms feel as dense and useless as my eyes do, but my fingers keep moving and I feel too much like air to worry about it.
Maybe it's like someone has taken seran wrap, and placed it smoothly between my cognitive functions and the rest of my body. I can see that my body is here, I can feel its exhaustion through the thin sheet of plastic, but I'm really not connected to it. Instead I float somewhere between my ears, while my shoulders and my back cry for me to be in bed already.
or maybe I'm just crazy and I'm dreaming all of this while I sin in an asylum somewhere. My husband isn't actually laying behind me on the bed and snoring softly... curled on his side under the sheet, lithe and brown like some exotic diety. My in-laws aren't upstairs, making the soft sounds of sleep as the house creaks its cares into the night....
but then Phil coughs, shaking the bed on which I sit with a laptop on my lap (of all places), and the spell is broken.
I'm married. I'm in Toronto for a visit. and I'm a bit of an insomniac. Again.
*sigh* | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| | Subject: | crazy | | Time: | 06:40 am |
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| Wedding's coming up really soon!
I don't know if I'm happy or freaked out or having the time of my life..... I haven't been sleeping, I went to sleep exhausted at midnight and woke up around 3am and worked on wedding stuff till now (6:30) and I don't know whether I'm genuinely not tired, or just freaking out.
Exactly 97 hours until I've said the legal "I Do"s and am on my way to get my hair and dress and all that worked out.
I know I'm ready for this, I know Phil's the one, and I know it's going to be the best day ever, but I keep worrying, what if I can't get Candice a hair appointment with mine? what if Mom and Mar and Lee want their hair done too and there isn't time to book it? What if we don't find something Indian to put in the wedding favors, what if ...
OK, I just realized I was about to type out all the mundane worries that are stressing me out just to make the point that they are all mundane, and it's only those things that I'm really worried about.
Shouldn't I be worried about whether we're making a mistake, or whether Phil's really the right guy, or something important like that? isn't that what brides are always worried about on TV?
instead I'm worried that I won't spend enough time with the friends I have coming out, or that I'll forget to thank someone, or that our credit will run out along with our money... OK, maybe that's a bigger worry... but still, most of the things are tiny.
I suppose that means I'm doing the right thing! :)
I'd hoped to have a stress-free wedding but I'm realizing that nothing is stress-free, only marginally less stressful than it could be. So I'm going for the marginally less stressful, and we'll see how that goes.
I should probably get dressed and stuff now, it's almost seven and we're having an early day today. Lots to do. :S
Phil got a ring! It took us 10 visits to 8 different pawn shops (we went to two of them twice) but it was waiting for us at a little pawn shop in Abbotsford yesterday, and he loves it. So Praise God and Halleluia.... one less thing to worry about. :)
and Phil's happy, which makes me happy, and I like the ring too, so once again, Praise God and Halleluia | | comments: Leave a comment |
| why do I still get all blushy and stammery and nervous when talking to or helping cute guys?
it makes the things I know go out of my head, so I'm standing there looking at the shelves where I know the book should be, and my mind isn't processing the numbers, and I forget the numbers and have to go look again, and I feel so silly....
or I completely forget how the fines system works and stand there looking blankly at the page in front of me wondering what it was that I was doing just seconds ago.....
I'm engaged! I'm in love! I'm not interested! I'm not availabe! I'm a grown up, right?????
why do I still get blushy and nervous? gah!
hates. | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| I remember when I was a kid and my teachers would review my work, it would be unsatisfactory, satisfactory, or good. U, S or G. I always got G's.... if I ever got an S I would freak out. What am I doing wrong? better! must be better!
As I got older, everything slipped into U's. My effort, my assignments, my attendance. All of it.
This year I've been striving to maintain S, and I'm proud to report moderate success.
I'm only behind in one class... out of five.
but still, I am behind in that class. I need to catch up. But with what time?
next week I'm going to Victoria with my site visits class. I will catch up then, I think.
I'm really good at planning to catch up later, and not so great at actually doing it now.
Things are going really well with Phil. We spend almost every day together, and we're not sick of each other at all. I love being with him and lapsing into a comfortable silence; knowing that nothing needs to be said, because everything between us is right. I've never felt quite so comfortable... quite so accepted.
I have a paper rout, cuz I didn't want to bother holding down a scheduled job. This way I only have to do stuff for an hour and a half on Wednesdays, Fridays and Saturdays, I get payed at least $15 each time, and it's good exercise. A little bit of extra money in my pocket is never a bad thing.
I've got 5 classes, and I'm putting in 14 hours a week of free labour for my practicum at a local bible college library. I'm actually really enjoying the work. It's picky and repetitive, but I like it. I suppose it appeals to the anal aspects of my nature. (I AM the Grammar Nazi... just ask my little brothers)
I miss my family, but I'm also missing them less and less, which frightens me. I don't like the days I'm not longing to hold Moe and hang out with JJ. The days I'm too busy to really worry about what's going on with them. It makes me nervous, and it hurts when I do think of them to know that I spent so much time not thinking about it.
I feel like I have a responsibility... one that I love! and I'm not fulfilling it. I love being a big sister... the joy I feel from that outweighs almost anything in my life... but lately I've been so lazy. I haven't had any deep talks with either of the boys, and I totally missed Vanessa's birthday.... I was thinking of her the whole three or four days surrounding her birthday, but I didn't call her on the day (cuz I couldn't find her number) and I haven't emailed her or anything.
ah well. Life goes on. I hope she will forgive me. I know the boys still love me. *sigh*
I'm not sure how to close this update.....
oh ya, 162 days until Rebekah Joan Lanteigne is no more.
I'll be Rebekah Joan Duprey. | | comments: 3 comments or Leave a comment |
| I'm finally making the official announcement:
Over a month ago Philippe John Duprey asked me, Rebekah Joan
Lanteigne, to be his wife. I agreed.
on January 25th, my 21st birthday, Phil brought me to a ranch in the
Fraser Canyon near Boston Bar. It was a misty day with a bit of a
chill in the air, typical of BC's winter. The moss was dripping and
the mountains were shrouded in wisps of fog. The trees gleamed with
moisture as we walked beneath them through the forest to where the
ranch manager had told us there was a waterfall. We could hear the
roar, and soon we saw a broken-down, moss covered shack beside a
rushing stream, backed by the falls. There was an old, small cement
dam, and everything was green and mossy. We stood looking at the
waterfall for some time, then Phil turned to me and dropped to one
knee.
The ring he chose is amazing. My birthstone (garnet) is set in yellow
gold and surrounded by studded white gold, with a small diamond (his
birthstone) set on each side. He chose it because it signified me
surrounded by his love.
That evening we dined on lobster by candlelight, and the next day we
rode horses through the canyon under a clear blue sky. The Fraser
River was unnaturally clear, and we played on its bank with our host's
german shepherd. It was a wonderful birthday present; I couldn't have
asked for anything more.
We are getting married around 10:00am, Saturday, August 25th. It will
be our second year anniversary of dating.
You are all welcome! Please, we would love to see you. Consider this
your official invitation, and feel free to forward it to anyone who
knows and loves us. We are having the ceremony in a park in the Fraser
Valley between Vancouver and Abbotsford (specific location yet to be
decided) and the reception is going to be a potluck. We will be
setting up a website with details, food suggestions, and much, much
more.
To anyone in the Vancouver/Fraser Valley area, if you have room and
are willing to host an out of town guest, please let us know! We will
need all the help we can possibly get. There are lots of people
planning to come out. They are all wonderful people, too, we wouldn't
be friends with anyone who wasn't, so this should be a great
experience for all of our family and friends to get to know each
other, even if it's the only time many of you will meet.
Phil and I are both students and have very little money, so if you
can't think of anything to give us, you could help us out with the
wedding. If you don't have money or a gift, then please PLEASE be
assured that just coming and supporting us is more than enough. We are
going to be so excited to see all of you... we're happy if you just
bring food and yourselves.
That said, we are planning to set up a gift registry or some sort of
wishlist. That, too, is TBA on the website.
Thank you all for the impact you've made on our lives so far, and we
are thrilled to invite you to be a part of this. | | comments: 3 comments or Leave a comment |
| what is there to say to a blank text box? what can you reflect that my journal, lonely and hardly opened these past months, doesn't deserve to? nothing. I should write in there. I should, but I haven't. And yet, for once, those words don't open a pit of dispair in my stomach. I read Kit Pearson's "The Sky is Falling" today, the library got it in for me this afternoon, and the protagonist spoke of "dark cloud days", and how she thinks of the things she should do and knows she should do them, knows even that she would be happier doing them, yet does not do them... and it made me think of myself.
Well, welcome to the dawn.
I keep thinking I'm going to wake up and that this is only a dream. I keep telling myself to be cautious, it's only been a week....
but my bedroom has been clean since before I left for Ontario, I've kept it that way.
I have finished all the homework assignments I've been given that I am able to do.
I've kept up with my online course like a nut.
I've gotten things done on time, with speed and assurance...
I've not procrastinated once. Even when I wanted to.
I feel like it's a new beginning.
I've been plagued by disasters of my own construction lately... it got so bad that, if I didn't have people who loved me so much, I don't know if I would have made it through christmas. I'm not trying to be melodramatic, just honest. I know me. Pills sometimes feel like an easy out, even though I would never take it.
I might be kicked out of school... I find out this week. I'm not scared anymore though.
My marks were terrible. I failed two out of four classes. I lied to my friends about how well I was doing. I sat and became more and more miserable and did nothing but try to forget.
Then I left for christmas and I spent so much time crying... but God held me, and Phil pushed my hair back, and while I was kicking myself in the ass, they were stroking my cheeks and wiping the tears from my face. While I was afraid, I remembered that my friends would always love me. When I decided I was worth nothing, I remembered Eleah being so excited to live with me, Jon asking me for a back massage, Emily leaning her head on my shoulder as she cried, Jenny calling me lover, my brothers running into my arms, the tears in my mom's eyes when I left her, Nate and Taylor squeezing me so hard I couldn't breath, Mar dancing with me and laughing with me and working with me in the kitchen, Chrysta saying "It's BEKAH!" in her cute voice, Race's slight form in my arms as I lifted her, Vanessa's wide grin at the sight of me...
there's so much more, but this would never stop. lol.
This is what I want. School, my friends, doing this work, feeling accomplished.
I'm so afraid. I don't know why exactly... I'm writing my first paper tomorrow. It's a book review, 4 pages.... I'm scared. I know I can do it, but I alwasy get that fear. What if I can't? What if I only get 80%? what if I'm not as good as I think I am? I don't want to know that! it's easier for me to be negligent than to be common. I'd rather not do the work than do my best and get less than 90%
well, I guess now I know why. It's crazy... I'm crazy. I can't believe I feel like that. I know I've felt like that before, but I thought I'd be humbled by now. I thought I'd be grateful for any little mark... beggers can't be choosers my mom always said.
I'm doing this paper. And even if I only get 75% or 60%, it WILL be worth the effort, because I will have done it. It doesn't make me worth less.
and I am doing this term. Even if I don't get higher than 80% in any of my classes, I am doing it. I'm not going for A's, I'm going to complete every assignment I'm given. I'm going to do a good job, even if it's not a perfect one. I don't need recognition or awe, I don't need to be the best. I only need to do what I can with what I have.
I think I can do it. OK 2007, bring it on. | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
| I'm in Toronto
there's no snow. None at all..... stupid! why is there no snow????? WHAT THE HEY??? I was all excited about my first snowy christmas in 10 years, and now I feel so gypped! this is false advertising... that's what this is.
anyway, everything's going really well, hanging out with family and having a good time.
My back hurts. Not so I'm going to die, but enough that I'd rather not move... so I Find myself sitting around and I feel like a lump. It's stupid...
if I was at home I'd be having to help decorate and set up and stuff... I'm going to go swimming tonight with Phil's younger cousin Christina in the pool downstairs... that might make it feel better.
anyway... life is happy..... I'm gonna make banana eggnog tonight, and we're gonna hang out with family a lot... Christina is beating Phil up on the bed right now.... oopps. he's winning, I'd better go help.
:) | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
| | Current Location: | Courtenay | | Time: | 11:19 am | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/purplelemon/sassips/indescribable.gif) indescribable |
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| I'm in Courtenay.
So glad to be here.... I was worried I wouldn't get the chance to come before christmas.
it's nice to sit around and talk together and watch movies together, and browse random TV shows, and watch Beauty and the Beast and laugh about all the logical fallicies... like the enchantress saying the rose would wilt on the prince's 21st year, but then Cogsworth says they haven't been able to serve properly for 10 years... so what, the prince was 11 when he turned away the old woman from his door? and Prince of what? and the new scene they added to the middle of the movie is so lame... all the servents walking around and singing about what it was like to be human while they cleaned the castle in the sunshine and it was all nice and pretty... I'm sorry, but the castle was supposed to be perpetually dark until the spell was lifted, wasn't it?
so illogical. There were many more, but Mar kept reminding me that they didn't intent it to relate at all to reality.
Taylor came to pick me up at the ferry... I met Santana on the bus to the boat... she was the only girl on Cortes who I hung out with for a while, and who I felt might actually like me and not have stabbed me in the back or pretended not to like me because I wasn't popular. I'd kinda forgotten about all that... not completely, but sorta. She had a baby in grade 11, and just last month she put her daughter into voluntary foster care in Campbell River. She's living in Delta with her cousin to get away from the life her family lives.. I remember visiting them on the reserve and it was always with the boozing, and she's trying to avoid that lifestyle now. She's working construction, 12 hour days, and she just couldn't do it and raise her daughter at the same time.
Taylor gave her a ride into Courtenay with me, then her family came to pick her up. Her brother remembered my name, it was so weird. I think his name's Justin. I haven't thought about any of that in forever.
It was nice talking to Taylor... we just fell in again like I'd never been gone. I love that. Hes so much fun.
I'm sleeping on the bunk above Mar and Taylor... it's nice.
Taylor and I babysat this 2 year old kid of one of Mar's co-workers yesterday... he was a pretty good kid, but we didn't have much for him to do. We had fun tho. He was totally in love with the little water dragon Aolos, the bearded dragon Reyu, and the snake, Al, but Taylor was worried that he'd kill them. lol.
I love Ryu and Al. Aolos is kinda tiny right now, but Mar says he'll grow to be about 2 feet, including his ginormously long tail, so his body'll prolly be about 8-10 inches. right now it's maybe 3-4 inches, and he's all cute and little with big huge eyes. Al's sleepy, as usual, and so pretty. A python. Ryu is a girl and she's a pretty reddish tan, all spiky, and she loves to run around the house. I want a bearded dragon! and a python...
anyway, I'm flying to Toronto tonight. I can't believe it. I'm catching the 7:00 ferry, then taking the bus into the airport, then at 11:43 I'm on my way to Phil's house for christmas.
I keep wanting to cry. I know it's stupid, cuz I love Phil and I love christmas and... and... *sigh*
I still want to cry.
I'm gonna be very weepy this christmas. I hope I can keep it under control tho. It's gotten harder to control my weepyness lately... I think it's cuz i don't have to protect anyone from it. Mom won't be sad if I cry.... she's not here to be sad... I dunno. it's all so complicated.
either way I'm going. and I'm going to have a good time, no matter what. | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| Annis was in obvious pain. She'd been uncomfortable all day, she said it was her belly, but what could we do? We'd already given her painkillers and it didn’t seem to help. We were at "Contagious Joy", a Women of Faith Conference in Vancouver. My mother had booked these tickets two months ago, we'd been waiting and planning for a long time, and the conference was finally here. Poor Annis, what a time to be sick! We couldn't just drive her back to Langley, we were here with a van full of ladies; if we left they would have no way home.
My mother had come out for the conference from Cortes Island, along with Annis and my Aunty Nora, both of whom live with her, and their friend Lisa. Cortes was small, with just over one thousand year-round residents, one doctor with a small clinic, one bank, no police, and four general stores. My mother loved it. I moved away when I was 15. I had to, there is no high school on the island. Since then, my room had been filled with anyone who needed a place to stay, and Annis was the current tenant. A refugee from Sudan, Annis and her two children had been living with my mother and my aunt for roughly eight months. She and her children, a beautiful, vivacious and self-assured seven-year-old girl, and a demanding one-year-old boy who could be a mold for the perfect black baby-doll, had fit in well with my mother's busy household. Annis was somewhat quiet herself, often lost behind her daughter's bright chatter, but we understood. Her English was still halting at best, and she sometimes had difficulty making out what we were saying.
Recently there had been talk of Annis moving out. There was a Sudanese community in Abbotsford where she could be established, and there was even a man there who wanted to marry her. They had been talking on the phone. He was a good Christian man with a stable home, and her husband had died before the birth of her second child in Sudan, so she was quite alone. My mother had been collecting money for her, for a few months' rent, and God had been supplying in His usual manner. Donations from friends and family had poured in, and in less than a month, they had practically reached their three thousand dollar goal. The plan was to move her out in January. Annis was excited.
But she was sick at the conference. Aunty Nora mentioned that maybe she hadn't been eating right; maybe with the traveling it was all too stressful. They'd arrived just three hours before the conference was to start on Friday night, and they were planning to leave on Sunday morning, early. It was Saturday, and the conference was almost over. I sat beside Annis and patted her arm as she grimaced. "It might take a while for the painkillers to kick in...” I said, trying to sound reassuring. It was almost three o'clock, there were only two hours left of the conference. If she could just hold on until then we'd get her home and she'd be able to rest...
My mother had noticed a first aid station in one of the rooms out in the hall, and they had a cot. She asked Annis if she'd like to lay down there for a while until the conference was over. Annis agreed, and my mother came back shortly after to listen to the speaker with Lisa and I. Aunty Nora was sitting with my Oma a few rows behind us, and the rest of the ladies we'd brought had seats on the other side of the auditorium, near my Aunty Trudy and her friend, Ruth.
Partway through the last speaker, not 20 minutes after my mother rejoined us without Annis, one of the first aid attendants found our seats and leaned over to speak with Mom. I couldn’t make out what he said, but I heard Mom’s reply. “No, she’s not. She can’t be!” He looked confused and said that the ambulance was already here. Mom stood to follow him and Lisa went as well; I decided to stay behind, but started gathering up our stuff just in case we had to leave quickly. Sure enough, after what felt like an eternity, but was probably only a few minutes, my mom returned and told me to grab my stuff, we were leaving. Lisa had gone with Annis in the ambulance. Standing as we headed for the door, Aunty Nora followed us out.
“What’s wrong mom?” I asked, “Is Annis OK?” My mom just looked at me and shook her head, her hazel eyes dazed. “She’s having a baby.”
My Aunty Nora’s face lit up. “I knew it!” she said. “I should have known. How could we not have known? We were even bugging her about looking pregnant, we tried to get her to join us on our diet!” I started laughing. It was just sinking in. A baby! Quietly I followed my mother’s curly hair through the hallway and tried to fathom it. A baby! And being born here in Vancouver, instead of at home on Cortes where they might not have known it was happening on time to get to a doctor. God fit this life’s beginning into a 48 hour window of safety. A miracle.
God had a plan, long before we even imagined it.
Just as I began to wonder what would become of the other ladies we’d give a ride to, my mom stopped to talk to my Aunty Trudy’s friend Ruth. They had been sitting all the way on the other side of the auditorium, but somehow Ruth had been in the hallway when my mother went rushing by after the paramedic. “I don’t understand it,” she said, “I hadn’t left Trudy’s side all day. I didn’t even need to us the washroom or anything, I just got up and came into the hall, and there you were!”
Trudy and Ruth were staying in Vancouver during the conference, in a hotel nearby, and they had been going to take Ruth’s small car into the city. However, Ruth’s husband told her the morning they left that the lock was broken in the small car, so he’d rather not have it parked downtown. Instead, they took the van. There was plenty of room for Ruth to drive my mothers’ carload of women back to Langley.
A third miracle.
We arrived at the hospital, called ourselves family, and were sent to the room Annis was laying in. The nurses were full of questions. We told them we hadn’t known she was pregnant, but they kept asking. Where was she registered? Is this her due date? Had she had prenatal care? Um… no, no, and no. We felt a little silly, the closest people to her not having realized her condition, but the nurses told us kindly that this happened before.
After telling the nurse all I knew, I sat in the corner and watched. Sweet, soft-spoken Lisa was coaching Annis on her breathing, and was reassuring her. Aunty Nora was rubbing her back, looking kindly down at her. My mother was holding her hand, squeezing when the contractions were getting bad, and praying with her using the few Arabic praises she had learned.
All I could think was how friends are Jesus with skin on. When it got really bad, Annis turned and cried my mother’s name, and it brought tears to my eyes. This woman who we’d hardly met eight months before, was now counting my mom as one of her closest friends. All these women in this room, gathered about in care and support, disregarding any anger or resentment they might have had that Annis hadn’t shared her condition, this was another miracle.
Annis needed a C-section, the baby was too high. My mother went in with her and held her hand throughout the operation. I don’t think two hours has ever taken so long. Then, out came a nurse with a little pink bundle. Adriela Joy, 6lbs, 14 ounces, was born on November 4, 2006. She was healthy and at least full term. If she had come just 24 hours before or after, she and her mother might have died. Welcomed by a large Canadian family and extended family, this girl whose name means “my strength is God” is the first of her siblings to be born in Canada, free and healthy. She is a miracle. | | comments: 3 comments or Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | the sound of vaccuuming | | Current Location: | my bedroom | | Subject: | hello | | Time: | 11:37 am | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/purplelemon/sassips/happy.gif) good |
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| Well, it's been a while since I've posted, and my last one wasn't exactly happy.
It wasn't really specific... there wasn't any cause or anything... I was just really down for a few days and that was the culmunation of it all.
7 things I'm so ashamed of that I'm scared to talk about them.
1. Missing Mar and Taylor's birthdays
2. Missing Nick's play!!!!!!! (I didn't even know it was happening till after it happened cuz I didn't check his blog for a month!!!!)
3. Not emailing Jason back when he was concerned about me.
4. Not contacting Alysha since I've been here.
5. Not contacting Deanna since I've been here.
6. Not spending enough time with Jess.
7. Not finishing that story about Annis that I promised for my mom.
7 things I'm so happy about that I could cry.
1. Spending time with Phil
2. playing Risk with Em, Phil, Lee n John
3. Living with Lee n John
4. Seeing Yank on the weekends
5. Ballroom Dancing Lessons
6. My spiritual life
7. Making a bellydancing costume with Aunty Joan.
7 things that piss me off. (or maybe frustrate me is a friendlier and more accurate phrase)
1. My brother
2. My procrastination
3. Not being married to Phil
4. My forgetfulness
5. Not having all my stuff or my own place
6. My TV frying
7. Me not baking at all this year.
7 exciting things that have happened lately
1. Phil got a job
2. Annis had a baby (and we didn't even know she was pregnant)
3. I'm planning my bellydance costume.
4. Phil and I got the quick-step.
5. I'm doing pretty OK on the guitar
6. I bought Rayman!!!
7. I handed in some homework. | | comments: 5 comments or Leave a comment |
| What is depression?
I can't answer that. It's too simple. You should know better.
What is pain? Does it throb, or does it peirce? Is it white hot or is it so freezing cold that it burns flesh and makes even the slightest warmth agony? Does it slice, or does it tear?
Pain throbs in your head as it peirces your heart. It burns white-hot inside your chest, but freezes your thoughts so they shy away from warmth. It neatly slices your ambition from you as it tears your logic into shreds and leaves it in a steaming, corroding mass on the floor.
What is drowning? Is it a shock of cold water inhaled into your lungs, or a soft immersion into liquid of body-temperature felt only by the slight change in pressure on the skin and followed by a deep sleep?
drowning is the sudden realization that you have failed so many people, so many things. It is also the gradual failure, comfortable and comforting, as you choose again and again to do nothing when something is necessary.
What is pressure? is it a boot on your chest, or the air around you closing in? Does it stem from the expectations of others, or your own need for perfection? Is it a volcano erupting in your chest, or is it the proverbial wait of an unsupported world pressing down on your shoulders?
Pressure is me, standing on my own chest, with the weight of a world that doesn't actually need me, but that I keep pulling to myself, perching on my shoulders. It is my own need to be perfect in the eyes of everyone else. The eruption in my chest builds the pressure and blinds me. There is nothing left of me.
Depression is pain, drowning, pressure... but most of all it is nothing. The understanding that this is all nothing. That I do nothing, and that I care for nothing. That nothing matters, that I do nothing for all those who care for me. it is the understanding that this post means nothing. It's not a cry for help or attention. That my feelings mean nothing. They are feelings. Their existance should have no affect on my actions.
My efforts are for nothing. I try to act OK, but that just makes it worse.
My lies are nothing.
There is nothing left of me. | | |
| Do homework.
seems a simple objective
but nothing is ever really simple, is it?
OK, that's wrong. Some things are really simple, like making chocolate milk, and the ideas behind utilitarian philosophical theory.... and the fact that Bekah is not good at doing homework.
Wellll... maybe saying that's kinda off... maybe what I should say is I'm not good at the ACT of doing homework.
not good at sitting down and DOING my homework
maybe I'm just not good. Did I ever consider that? maybe school isn't for me?
then why do I like it so darned much? eh? answer me that? if school isn't for me, then why, oh why, do I get good marks whenever I bother to work, and why do I love going to class, and why am I so good at brown-nosing?
I mean, seriously.
Got home from taking Mar to the skytrain at 9:30am, watched Gilmore Girls for 2 hours, napped for 20 minutes, watched America's Next Top Model for 3 hours, sat down to do homework. played Kingdom of Loathing. Watched more Gilmore girls. Listened to music. Browsed the websites I was evaluating for fun rather than educational purposes. Did some homework.
I've finished 2/3 of my stuff.
it's over an hour late now.
I told my teacher I'd email it to her at 6.
*sigh*
I guess I should get back to it. | | comments: 4 comments or Leave a comment |
| Does sickness without comfort truly exist?
Were tears forgotten ever actually shed?
If a river of pain flows unseen,
Thick, warm, sticky and red
Does the sufferer drown?
Or does she thrash
On cold concrete
While others gingerly step by
Beating her hands against the stone
Screams searing her throat
Until she is taken
By
The men
In white
Does light, in the depths of blackness, truly exist?
Was fresh air, forgotten, ever actually breathed?
If an eternity of cries fly unheard,
Thin, hot, scratchy and gold
Does the sufferer live?
Or does she lay
On soft vinyl
While others gently flow by
Resting her head on the wall
Drugs piercing her veins
Until she is taken
By
The visions
In black
| | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Subject: | tired... | | Time: | 09:08 am | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/purplelemon/sassips/exhausted.gif) exhausted |
|
| I don't know why I do this to myself.
I was tired yesterday (probably because I'd had like 7 hours of combined sleep in the previous two nights) so I fell asleep for an hour and a half while I was reading in my bed... (unusual) and then, because of that nap (which left me feeling crappy anyway) I didn't get tired when I should have, so I stayed up reading. Again. Till 3:30am, and then it took me over a half an hour to get to sleep, cuz I'd had that nap. I woke up around 7:30 and was out the door by 8 this morning to take Lee to school.
Now I'm at school... knowing I have homework to do. All I need to do is immerse myself in it and it will be over quite quickly, I'm sure.
.....
still waiting
.....
um... motivation please? *sigh*
The sad part is, I was reading a novel. I'm over half finished it. I started it yesterday. It's a long novel. #4 of the Sword of Truth series by Terry Goodkind. They are all about 700 pages. I started reading the series the middle of last week.
I've also gotten through quite a bit of an excellent book by Will Furguson (amazing, witty, excellent writer, world traveller, adventurer, and Canadian author) called "Hitching Rides with Buddha"... it's all about him hitching across Japan. I'm enjoying it, and almost finished, I pick it up between other books. I also have been discovering a literary critic named Northrop Frye who I'm writing an essay on (just a short biography... that I need to do today... should be doing now). He's a brilliant guy, and did a lot of work on the bible and its influence on English Literature... so I took out the two books of his that refer to that and began reading them for fun.
in other words, I've only read 2 of the 9 chapters I need to catch up on in History (due to lack of funds resulting in lack of text book for the first 3 weeks) and, while I've done the readings for Mass Communications, I haven't actually taken notes for the quiz next week. I'm keeping up with my online courses tho (that is, if I manage to do the term assignment I need to do today)...
my head feels like someone stuffed it with jelly. There's a strange pressure, and everytime I move it, it wants to keep going in that direction. Rather like a Bocci ball. My fingers are typing slower than I'd like... and making more mistakes as well.
I'm going to a concert tonight! Default, Theory of a Deadman, The Trews, and three other bands that I haven't really heard of. It's in Chilliwack... Disorientation put on by our school. www.ucfv.ca/sus ... it should be really fun.
Tomorrow will be work cleaning the house, cuz Cindy's coming home... then Phil's coming home, then we're all playing DnD... I have so much tired, I think I should get a nap this afternoon before the concert. And keep my various books locked away till after christmas. | | comments: 5 comments or Leave a comment |
| | Subject: | hmm | | Time: | 01:18 pm | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/purplelemon/sassips/rushed.gif) busy |
|
| I clicked here by accident... I actually meant to logout. Maybe I was supposed to post.
Everything's been a whirlwind, as usual, but a slow one. When time goes too fast is when I'm actually on the internet. I never seem to have all the time that I want to do all that I want to do.
I'm back in school... leaving for a few days to Cortes cuz I still don't have what I need. As usual. Haven't had the time I thought I'd have to do the things I wanted... still haven't emailed my new phone number to anyone, and still don't have internet (stupid lost PCI antenna) or student loan, so technically I'm not settled in yet at all... so if I haven't visited or called it's not cuz I'm ignoring or forgetting, it's just cuz I don't rightly exist yet. I'm hoping next week will give me some foundations to build on. *ahem* *money* *koff*
also lots of time being cheerfully spent with the boy, but I'm leaving him on Cortes to be thoroughly saturated by my mother and family for a couple of weeks... lucky boy. (no sarcasm intended, I assure you) so I'll start looking for a job next week I hope...
tired. and yet I feel like I've done nothing. Strange. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| so I'm here in BC. I watched Phil say goodbye to his cousins and sisters and best friends... and I almost cried. He's leaving all of that for me. It's so hard to fathom. I thank God that I didn't ask him to do it, cuz the guilt would have been driving me insane if I had.
He's so gorgeous. Sometimes I think I could drift away and be happy in a world all my own just looking at him....
lol, sucky. sorry.
anyway, we're on our way to get my car from Campbell River today. gotta call Debra. | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
| The Road goes ever on and on
Down from the door where it began.
Now far ahead the Road has gone,
And I must follow, if I can,
Pursuing it with eager feet,
Until it joins some larger way
Where many paths and errands meet.
And whither then? I cannot say
-- Bilbo's road song
I'm on my way again tomorrow. I suppose I'm eager, but at the same time it's been so nice being here at Eb's pretty much by myself, sinking into my book and like, 5 movies and mindless TV...
it's been good.
on to Gravelbourg.
I kick myself harder everytime I think of all the pictures I lost of Deer Lake and of daddy's family....
I think if Phil were here for me to lean on I'd start crying.... good thing he's not and I have to be strong.
I don't wanna be strong... I want Phil.... and those pictures back. Can't I wake up and find them on my camera again? PLEASE??????? | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| I'm in Winnipeg and feeling listless. I don't know if it's the weather (it's muggy and disgusting) or if it's me... maybe I'm just tired.
I shouldn't be tho, I've not done anything stressfull or challenging. Just hitching and staying at people's houses.
Ebony's mum is gonna take me around today probably, see the city a little more.
Eb seems really happy to have me, which is great. we're talking late into the night and I'm doing stuff for her... we got pizza and watched Eurotrip last night, it was pretty funny.
I dunno... I guess I'm just getting kinda homesick... altho for what exactly I couldn't tell you. I think it's a combination of things. I'm homesick for Phil's arms, I'm homesick for Eleah and Emily and Jon and Jenny and Yank and Brian and Rick and Jenessa, I'm homesick for Taylor and Tamara and Crysta and Nate and Josh and Jess and Kristofer, and I'm homesick for Moe and JJ and mom and Ben and all the kids at camp and for the ocean...
I guess I'm also pretty depressed cuz I made a huge mistake yesterday. I formatted my camera by accident when I was looking to see how much space I had left... I lost 460 pictures... all the ones I'd taken of Deer Lake and Reidville and Cindy and Lyssa and Kim and Cora-Lee and Rod and the Katima-group in Deer Lake and the truckers I got rides with and Montreal and my sister and my nephew and my brother-in-law and Cathrine and my daddy's cousins and his aunt... all of those pictures gone.
gone.
and I'll never be able to recover that.
Alelmina might die before I get to see her again. and I won't have a picture of us together.
I lost my pictures of Louiseville and daddy's home... the streets he grew up in, the river he learned to swim in.
gone. | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
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